How to Be the Greatest Post-Grad Stereotype in (period of time)

I’d have offered a time schedule for this lesson but us hackneyed post-grad clichés are too indecisive to waste our time on something as superfluous as figuring time schedules. We’re entirely too busy working at the shitty low-end jobs that we hate and smoking excessive ganj to even remember what a time schedule even really consists of.

But don’t judge our chill laidback ways too quickly, for you see, we’re college educated now (remember when I said “hackneyed” and “superfluous” a couple lines back? Impressive right? Those words cost me tens of thousands of dollars to learn so you better be fucking impressed).

::Orders delivery Thai food and packs a new bowl:: Anyway, where was I? Oh yes, How to be the Greatest Post-Grad Stereotype in (period of time). First you have to feel really restless and uncomfortable about your newfound directionless life—but don’t be too eager to do something about it! You deserve a break. You just spent the last 4(+) years of your life having all that burdensome ambition. Try some aimless and compulsive consumerism on for size. Try this for at least a year following graduation, maybe two (three?).

1.Sometimes it’s just in your best interest to acquire yourself a short-term addiction. I wouldn’t say something like crack, but I wouldn’t discard the idea either. Some ballpark ideas would likely consist of one or all of the following: excessive marijuana use, reckless partying, alcoholism, sex, or just good ‘ole autoerotic asphyxiation. Everyone’s different; I’d recommend trying them all and feeling things out. If you’re feeling truly motivated (which would be surprising since you’re a post-grad) I’d go for a double or triple addiction.

2. Search for jobs that actually require a bachelor’s degree, but only search aggressively enough so that you can feel justified bitching about it to your friends later.

3. Just bitch a lot in general. You deserve more.

4. If you can convince your parents to assist you financially, or in any way, TAKE ADVANTAGE. And whatever they offer—Buy more weed with it! You’re at an uncertain stage in life. You need to de-stress.

5. Come up with a lot of vague grandiose plans for how you’ll strike it big in the world without having to go back to school. Maybe go as far as making a to-do list, but don’t overextend yourself—remember: you work tomorrow at 3pm for that strenuous 5 hour shift and you should always put off today what you can put off tomorrow.

Speaking of which, I’ve totally lost interest in this post. I’m going to smoke myself into a blind stupor and play Snood until I get a new high score on Armageddon. I will then brag about my high score to all of my friends, family and coworkers for the rest of the week.. and then I will cry.. I will cry so much..