Things I Hate: "Across the Universe"

Despite the fact that It came out in 2007, I still can't get over what a giant let-down this movie was. No, "let-down" is not nearly a strong enough description for this ass hat of a monstrosity. I mean, c'mon, it's a two hour movie packed with Beatles' songs that managed to make me sit cringing in my seat waiting for the end credits. It wasn't the music that turned me off from this movie, I dare say I may have even enjoyed a song or two. My hatred stems mostly from the story, the acting, the directing, the writing, and, well you know. Everything else. 

First of all, the story is written around The Beatles songs, instead of the other way around, so the plot line feels forced and somewhat disoriented. Then there is the matter of the character's names. Jude, Lucy, and Prudence. Really? Because that's creative. I just don't get why the director thought she could take so much artistic liberty with the different interpretations of the songs, but at the same time everything is so literal. Also, I felt like the movie tried to cover way too much. I get that it was trying to hit all of the historically significant events and movements of the Beatles' era (Civil Rights Movement, Gay and Lesbian rights, War, Protests, Drugs, etc.) but it bit off way more than it could chew. I definitely think it's possible for one movie to include all of those elements, but only if it doesn't insist on elaborating on every single one of them.  "Across the Universe" shoves so many 1960s indiosyncratic-stereotypical-culture tidbits down your throat that you won't know whether it's just your eyes that are blurred from smoking one-too-many bowls or if this movie really is as unfocused as a coked-out third grader.  

Secondly, I would like to discuss the acting. On the whole, it wasn't the worst part of the movie. Don't get me wrong, the acting was still bad (and in some cases it was gauge-out-my-eyeballs terrible), it was just less offensive in comparison to other facets of the film. 

Lucy-- for someone who is supposed to have experienced such emotional, life-altering events, she sure doesn't show much of a character arc. Honestly, her wardrobe was more convincing than her acting. Could you be any less interesting? I think I would be more enthusiastic about watching a documentary on the history of oatmeal. 

Prudence-- OK, I'll drop my attempts at subtlety and just state the fact that she was one of the worst parts of the entire movie. I don't even know where to start. To be concise: Her character was unnecessary and her acting mirrored something one might experience at a dinner theater run by middle-schoolers. Her only purpose was to give the film an excuse to use the song "Dear Prudence", which was ultimately one of my least favorite musical numbers. I was so relieved when she left, only to be so irritated when she came back during the Mr. Kite scene only to be twice as annoying as she was before. 

After ranting about the major suck-factor that was Prudence, all the other things I once hated seem much less egregious. Ultimately, the movie would have been more effective/less crappy if it was just a series of music videos. And mind you, it's not like I walked into this movie knowing I would hate it. I even dragged my hesitant boyfriend to the theater because "how bad could it be? It's The Beatles!" 

No. No, it is NOT the Beatles. This movie is a far cry from anything any one of the Beatles hashed out throughout their entire musical career. Hell, Ringo Star could have vomited on a puppy then burnt down an orphanage and punched this orangutan in the face and I still would have ranked that higher than this movie on my "Cool-O-Meter" (patent pending). 

Anyway, to end this post on a more positive note, I've been playing The Beatles Rockband non-stop since it came out. It's so entertaining that I don't even mind that I've lost all contacts with the outside world ::clumps of hair fall from scalp:: 

:::eye twitches:::