Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Things I Hate: "Across the Universe"

Despite the fact that It came out in 2007, I still can't get over what a giant let-down this movie was. No, "let-down" is not nearly a strong enough description for this ass hat of a monstrosity. I mean, c'mon, it's a two hour movie packed with Beatles' songs that managed to make me sit cringing in my seat waiting for the end credits. It wasn't the music that turned me off from this movie, I dare say I may have even enjoyed a song or two. My hatred stems mostly from the story, the acting, the directing, the writing, and, well you know. Everything else. 

First of all, the story is written around The Beatles songs, instead of the other way around, so the plot line feels forced and somewhat disoriented. Then there is the matter of the character's names. Jude, Lucy, and Prudence. Really? Because that's creative. I just don't get why the director thought she could take so much artistic liberty with the different interpretations of the songs, but at the same time everything is so literal. Also, I felt like the movie tried to cover way too much. I get that it was trying to hit all of the historically significant events and movements of the Beatles' era (Civil Rights Movement, Gay and Lesbian rights, War, Protests, Drugs, etc.) but it bit off way more than it could chew. I definitely think it's possible for one movie to include all of those elements, but only if it doesn't insist on elaborating on every single one of them.  "Across the Universe" shoves so many 1960s indiosyncratic-stereotypical-culture tidbits down your throat that you won't know whether it's just your eyes that are blurred from smoking one-too-many bowls or if this movie really is as unfocused as a coked-out third grader.  

Secondly, I would like to discuss the acting. On the whole, it wasn't the worst part of the movie. Don't get me wrong, the acting was still bad (and in some cases it was gauge-out-my-eyeballs terrible), it was just less offensive in comparison to other facets of the film. 

Lucy-- for someone who is supposed to have experienced such emotional, life-altering events, she sure doesn't show much of a character arc. Honestly, her wardrobe was more convincing than her acting. Could you be any less interesting? I think I would be more enthusiastic about watching a documentary on the history of oatmeal. 
Prudence-- OK, I'll drop my attempts at subtlety and just state the fact that she was one of the worst parts of the entire movie. I don't even know where to start. To be concise: Her character was unnecessary and her acting mirrored something one might experience at a dinner theater run by middle-schoolers. Her only purpose was to give the film an excuse to use the song "Dear Prudence", which was ultimately one of my least favorite musical numbers. I was so relieved when she left, only to be so irritated when she came back during the Mr. Kite scene only to be twice as annoying as she was before. 

After ranting about the major suck-factor that was Prudence, all the other things I once hated seem much less egregious. Ultimately, the movie would have been more effective/less crappy if it was just a series of music videos. And mind you, it's not like I walked into this movie knowing I would hate it. I even dragged my hesitant boyfriend to the theater because "how bad could it be? It's The Beatles!" 

No. No, it is NOT the Beatles. This movie is a far cry from anything any one of the Beatles hashed out throughout their entire musical career. Hell, Ringo Star could have vomited on a puppy then burnt down an orphanage and punched this orangutan in the face and I still would have ranked that higher than this movie on my "Cool-O-Meter" (patent pending). 

Anyway, to end this post on a more positive note, I've been playing The Beatles Rockband non-stop since it came out. It's so entertaining that I don't even mind that I've lost all contacts with the outside world ::clumps of hair fall from scalp:: 

:::eye twitches:::

Customers: What did I do to YOU?

It was my day off work today so I thought I'd relax by drawing the people who make my life harder than it needs to be. Kelli (sibling) joined me and we had a ripe 'ole time.
I work at a Peet's Coffee & Tea and my sister works at a dollar theater in Santa Ana. If it's not obvious enough, we have different clientele, though thankfully we each get a fairly equal number of real fuckers for customers.
Here are some examples for you curious readers/viewers out there:

Peet's customers:
I'm going to estimate that about 80% of Peet's customers rely on the OC Register as their daily news source. Why would I estimate that? Because it makes up about 80% of what is left behind in the recyclable newspaper bin. They're vastly the white middle-upper class parents of the kids who are currently attending Foothill High School. The woman is the miserable cow who thinks she knows your job better than you do and hates her life and her newfound wrinkles and wants to take it out on you because she hates the man she married and the worthless spoiled children that she conceived. The guy is the middle aged pervert who has totally given up on being a decent human being and instead has developed the perspective that people are objects to be controlled and manipulated and, if lucky, sexually harassed.

Dollar theater customers:
I don't work here, so Kelli would better explain this disturbing display of human waste. The talk-bubbles really fill you in though.

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Glee= ehhhhhhh..

Just watched the first episode of Glee on Hulu so that I could maybe find a new pathetic little outlet. I was willing to accept some slightly offensive stereotyping and maybe some cheesy storylines, but I have my limits.. no matter how desperate I am to find a replacement O.C. (just ruined my own credibility as a critic, didn't I?)
I will not apologize for my O.C. fetish!
But back to business.. Just for a quick summation of the show I will offer you some of the lovely characters from Glee that I just experienced:

-Protagonist= attractive well
kept white guy. My favorite aspect of his character development was when his wife referenced their glory days as cheerleader and socialite back in high school. Suddenly I find myself becoming more interested in his character. Is it because I secretly wish I was popular in high school and desperately want light shed onto the cool kids inner lives? YES!!
-Protagonist's wife= attractive
blonde (blonde= enemy) skinny bitch who compulsively shops at Pottery Barn and desperately wants to become pregnant... No comment.
-Jock= secretly wants to be a singer and befriend a bunch of socially inept losers..... Did I mention this takes place in high school?
-Jock's girlfriend= cheerleader and president of the "
Celibacy club". What? The bitch won't put out? Show's future villain? Let's hope! (Oh yes and she's blonde. Blonde= enemy, blonde= bitch)
-Nerd in a wheelchair ::checks off token handicapped character::
-Sassy fat black girl who refers to herself as
Beyonce ::checks off token black character:: (Maybe if we're lucky the only other black guy in school will end up falling in love with her! Woo, half a century after dismantling legal segregation and nothing's changed. Keep it alive team.)
-Gay guy ::check::
- Eccentric ostracized artsy girl (I'll let you guess whether she's
blonde or brunette) who is good looking enough so that you can learn to accept it when she ends up with the jock.
OCD guidance counselor who has a crush on the protagonist (red hair= intriguing, tell me more). This lady was actually the only character I cared for on the show. This excluding Jane Lynch who is monsterously typecasted, but I seem to keep coming back for more. I'd consider watching either of these two's spin offs.. maybe..

The target audience for this show is REALLY unexpected. I'm thinking.. lonely women?
I don't know if it was the commercials (
prescription eyelash growing gel for "inadequate" lashes, botox [because paratheses have their place, but not on your face] and a trailer for the movie "Love Happens") or if it was the whole characterization of blonde skinny women being evil bitches who have the men you want.. or if it was how the ostracized weird girl is finding herself in close relations to the hot sensitive jock.. Yeah.. Hot, sensitive, jock.

Regardless, bottomline: This show sucks.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

How to Be the Greatest Post-Grad Stereotype in (period of time)

I’d have offered a time schedule for this lesson but us hackneyed post-grad clich├ęs are too indecisive to waste our time on something as superfluous as figuring time schedules. We’re entirely too busy working at the shitty low-end jobs that we hate and smoking excessive ganj to even remember what a time schedule even really consists of.

But don’t judge our chill laidback ways too quickly, for you see, we’re college educated now (remember when I said “hackneyed” and “superfluous” a couple lines back? Impressive right? Those words cost me tens of thousands of dollars to learn so you better be fucking impressed).

::Orders delivery Thai food and packs a new bowl:: Anyway, where was I? Oh yes, How to be the Greatest Post-Grad Stereotype in (period of time). First you have to feel really restless and uncomfortable about your newfound directionless life—but don’t be too eager to do something about it! You deserve a break. You just spent the last 4(+) years of your life having all that burdensome ambition. Try some aimless and compulsive consumerism on for size. Try this for at least a year following graduation, maybe two (three?).

1.Sometimes it’s just in your best interest to acquire yourself a short-term addiction. I wouldn’t say something like crack, but I wouldn’t discard the idea either. Some ballpark ideas would likely consist of one or all of the following: excessive marijuana use, reckless partying, alcoholism, sex, or just good ‘ole autoerotic asphyxiation. Everyone’s different; I’d recommend trying them all and feeling things out. If you’re feeling truly motivated (which would be surprising since you’re a post-grad) I’d go for a double or triple addiction.

2. Search for jobs that actually require a bachelor’s degree, but only search aggressively enough so that you can feel justified bitching about it to your friends later.

3. Just bitch a lot in general. You deserve more.

4. If you can convince your parents to assist you financially, or in any way, TAKE ADVANTAGE. And whatever they offer—Buy more weed with it! You’re at an uncertain stage in life. You need to de-stress.

5. Come up with a lot of vague grandiose plans for how you’ll strike it big in the world without having to go back to school. Maybe go as far as making a to-do list, but don’t overextend yourself—remember: you work tomorrow at 3pm for that strenuous 5 hour shift and you should always put off today what you can put off tomorrow.

Speaking of which, I’ve totally lost interest in this post. I’m going to smoke myself into a blind stupor and play Snood until I get a new high score on Armageddon. I will then brag about my high score to all of my friends, family and coworkers for the rest of the week.. and then I will cry.. I will cry so much..

Sunday, September 20, 2009

I Heart Dresses

Despite the fact that I hate spending money, and the fact that I'm fashionably lazy, I can (and do) spend HOURS looking through various websites dress collections. Not shirts, or skirts, or pants, or even shoes. Dresses. Right now my favorite website for said activity is modcloth (and it has a fantastic jewelry selection, as well).  Here are a few of my favorites:

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Like Sex Ed, only sexier.

Thank you, San Diego Zoo. I've always wanted to watch a giant tortoise grunt aggressively and slobber profusely over its mate's head and shell. Work it, 30-30.  Work it good. 

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

No D.... idiot.

It's not "colD slaw", it's cole slaw, you fucking idiot.